Insights

Just to warn you before you read the paragraph below, I have a strange thought process, completely random at times. It usually makes sense, but you have to see the whole thread before it does. . 

I was about to leave for work today, when I had the thought: I am a military wife. How did this happen? The process: I was happy because tomorrow is my day off. My day off means that I get to talk to my husband. My husband is in Afghanistan, because of the military. I married my husband...therefore, I am a military wife. 

It was just one of those moments, where you knew something before, but it never really hit you until some random point of your life. I am not only someone's WIFE, but a military one at that. I remember once telling myself that I would never be able to handle it. However, somehow, here I am, 'handling' it to the best of my ability. The reason I put that into quotations is that I have my moments, where I break down and cry, or something good happened that I keep forgetting to tell my husband about, because we don't talk everyday like civilian couples do. When I was younger, and I heard women talking about their husbands overseas, I just couldn't imagine a world where I didn't see my significant other for months or years at a time. Even in my previous relationships, I couldn't imagine taking more than a week apart...until the eventual end, when spending time apart became mandatory, otherwise a break-up would ensue (believe me, had I realized that at the time, I would have saved myself the head and heartache-hindsight is a bitch). But with Mike...we've lived together a total of 6 months together. We will be married 2 years in December. And somehow, it's alright. I don't like it, but I'm living. Thriving, in a way. I just can't believe that I never seriously thought that I could ever be an Army wife...and here I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I hate that he's gone. That he can't see or hear about my small everyday accomplishments, or that I can't unload on him like when he's home. But I'm also using this time to think, to plan. To see who I am, without Mommy or Daddy or my husband to take care of me.  am solving problems. I am making changes in my life that are going to be healthier for me. I am emotionally growing, so that I will be that much better when Mike comes home. 

See what I mean about random thought process?

That was my insight for the day. Other than the thinking that I do, things have been normal. I am still losing weight (yay!), and I think it's definitely because of the blood sugar issue I have. Since cutting the artificial sugar and white flour, I'm dropping weight very quickly. I did find out that even a little bit of alcohol will cause major water retention, so I am cutting off all alcohol until I get to my goal weight and can afford to splurge a bit. I did have some Pepsi Max tonight. I just couldn't face the ridiculous amount of sugar in the real thing, and I know if I had a can, I would drink the whole thing. So I had the diet version, and only drank about 8 oz. So we will see how I feel tomorrow. It gives me just enough Pepsi flavor to help the cravings, but it isn't as good, so I don't want to drink a whole lot of it. I may try getting a can of regular Pepsi and drinking half of it next week, and see how I feel.

The Latest News & Thoughts

A quick post, because I am really tired, but unable to fall asleep. Maybe if I write...?

I'm slowly learning that there are no rules anymore. As a child, teen, and young adult, I had all sorts of rules to follow. It was comforting, because they were always there, giving my life structure. Now that I'm an adult, I fully expect things to go the way I think they should go...but they never do. Or maybe it's not that I'm learning that there aren't any rules; its that I'm realizing that the world definitely is bigger than me. I don't know which it is. All I know is, the things I want, I have to work for. Things I want don't always happen the way I want them to. And just because I say 'please' doesn't mean that it'll happen.

I miss my husband. I mean, that's a given. But this deployment is definitely teaching me that I won't always get my way-or hardly at all. I can't just wish him home. I can't wish time to go any faster. Almost nothing I can do or think will change anything he might experience over there. I say that because I do send him things, and so I hope I influence him just a little. It's a humbling experience, but one that isn't sitting very comfortably right now. Maybe, once Mike is home, I won't fight it so much. But right now, it's hard.

Anyway. Anyway.

Last Saturday was rough. I had to work a mid, so I wasn't able to go out and show my support. The city I currently live in had a soldier's funeral on Saturday. RIP Spc. Jordan Morris. Unfortunately, the Westboro Church decided they were going to protest here in town. Luckily Okies are VERY patriotic, so a TON of people lined the streets, waving flags, and the Patriot Guard helped to keep everything together, as well. That 'church' honestly makes me so angry! I don't care what you believe in, this isn't my place to judge ANYONE. However, I do not support protesting at funerals, regardless. There is no place for disrespect at a funeral. What has happened in this world that allows for such crude intolerance? I mean, again, believe what you will. But to advertise that not only are you PRAYING for the deaths of thousands of the soldiers that are fighting for your right to mouth this bullsh*t, you are going to pray for the deaths of children? No, I do not support your 'right' to do any of that.

Again, luckily it went well. The protesters showed up, but no one payed much attention to them. The focus was on Spc. Morris' funeral and family, as it should have been.

MIKE WAS ABLE TO CALL! I was so excited to hear from him. We talked for two hours, and it made me feel sooo much better. I hope that it helped him, too, a little. I was so angry at first, because in the two minutes I literally left my phone in my room to check something, he called. I was angry enough to throw a measuring cup against the wall. (I don't condone violence; however, I thought that was a better alternative to throwing my cell phone or punching a wall-there was that much anger). Luckily, he was able to call back. We were busy making plans about the rest of our lives. Or maybe the next year or two.

One last thing before I go. (And I know this has been all over the place-but I'm tired and don't care to properly segue into the next paragraph.) I have officially lost 3.4 pounds in about a week and two days. Wooo! Cutting out the processed flour and sugar seem to be working. I mean, I tend to eat very healthy now. Most days I eat between 1200-1300 calories, and it's all healthy. Whole wheat, lean meats, veggies, fruits, and some dairy. Everything low-or reduced-fat, no added sugar. It's actually slightly easier than I thought when I first started. It's just a matter of good planning, and learning to read labels. My kitchen scale is fast becoming my new BFF. I've been doing the  'naughty' thing and weighing myself everyday, like the experts tell you not to. Except for one day when the scale stayed at the same weight as the day before, it's been a steady drop in weight. Not a single day have I gained an ounce over what I was the day before. I can't wait to start seeing more of a difference in my appearance. I've already noticed a difference in my energy levels, and mood. So, here's to hoping I keep it up!

I guess this post wasn't as short as I thought it would be.

Better.

Things have been looking up lately, I suppose.
1. My washer wasn't broken, it was a leak from my air conditioner. Apparently there has been too much condensation. Who'd have though?
2. The leaks in my house have been fixed. Yay!
3. The City is in the middle of approving my lower bill, hopefully I will find out tomorrow what it is.
4. The Wii started working on it's own. Creepy in a way, but I'm very happy it's not dead. No, I have no idea what happened to it, nor do I care. It's alive!
5. I have been sooooo busy at work that I haven't been as miserable lately. Weird in a way, but good.

It's Back to School season at Staples!! It's been mass hysteria, I swear. We can barely get our freight done right now, and rather than it taking a day or two, it stretches for a few days and goes into the next load. I don't think we've been clear in over a week. Good news is that I am getting a lot of hours, so I am not just sitting around doing nothing but thinking. It seems to be making time go faster.

I've been doing some thinking about school, and I really do think that I want to go back to school for counseling of some sort. I'm excited thinking about it, even though I probably won't be able to go back for another year.

On Sunday I started a new 'lifestyle change'. I call it this because I want it to be permanent, not just a temporary change to lose weight. Basically, I have cut out processed flour and sugar, and am only eating whole wheat and naturally occurring sugar. I am following the guidelines of the food pyramid, and am keeping it to about 1200 calories a day. So far, I've been under 40 grams of fat every day since Sunday, and under the recommended about of carbs, too. I do have a calorie/nutrition counter, called myfitnesspal, that it on my phone, so I really do enter in every single thing that goes into my mouth, drink and condiments included. Honestly, I think I eat more now than before, but since so much of it is healthier and lower in calories, I eat more. I started weighing myself Monday, and while I know the experts say that you should only weigh yourself once a week, I have actually been weighing everyday. Its not necessarily the same time, but always after I wake up, pee for the first time, and before I eat or drink anything. In the four days I've weighed myself, I've dropped 1.4 pounds. That in itself makes me happy, but also knowing that I seem to be in better moods lately, too. If I stick to this plan, I will be at my goal weight (about 30 pounds lighter) before Mike gets home for leave (if he comes home the time we think he will--never assume in the military). I would be one happy girl if I can make this happen. So far, so good. Day Five is over, onto the next!

Other than that, nothing too much is happening here. Getting close to the time that I fly back to see my baby brother say 'I do', wooo! I'm excited to go home again, even if it is just for a weekend. I'm flying out on a Thursday, wedding on Saturday (during which I am taking pictures, God help us all), spending time with people for the rest of the time until I fly out on Tuesday. Then, the Saturday after, I will be at another friend's wedding. Hopefully my father in law will be able to fly in for that, I'm really hoping so.

I kind of have an idea of something I want to draw. Something I saw on the internet. We shall see.

And now, since I'm starting to feel more than just a little tired, I am heading for bed.

Definitely a 'Rant'

Recap and update of everything going on:

Spiders: I have not seen a single spider since I put sweeps on the doors, and sprayed bug/spider spray long the perimeter of the house. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Two night without a sighting. 

Utilities: My landlord has called in a plumbing company, who will be here tomorrow. So we shall see. If they find a leak and fix it, I can bring a copy of the receipt to the City building and get refunded for whatever my water average is. 

Washer: They should be here tomorrow, as well. 

the Wii: Is still not working. It was plugged into a surge protector, but I don't know what happened. So I might try to call on that, as well. Because the Playstation still doesn't have a new password, we can't watch Netflix on the TV at all, which is pretty much what I use it for. 

Lately, I have been getting things done, and taken care of. I picked up an extra shift at work this week, and have already picked up another one for next week. We had a major storm here two days ago, and we've already done the cleanup in our two yards (mine and my neighbors). I have a tree down in my yard, and my neighbors have a fence down, and no longer own a trampoline. 

Emotionally, though, I'm still fighting. 

Basically, I feel angry and restless all the time. Not angry really, I just have zero patience with anything. It makes work difficult, since it's the back to school rush. And since this is a college town, we have a LOT of back to school people. Here is what I tend to be feeling at any given moment. 

I feel slightly abandoned here. Mike is gone (not by choice, I understand that, I really do). However, I can count on one hand the number of friends that I have here in Stillwater. One only returns my calls/texts if it has to do with college, one is moving to NYC (that I understand, as well), another I haven't really been able to pin down at all in the last few weeks. I have my roommate, but we tend to see things at two different levels, and my neighbors, but they have their own lives and kids, so I don't feel right relying on them constantly. The other two people...they are busy. And they are Mike's friends, first. I like them, I do...but all I feel is a burden on them. So basically I sit at home and think about everything. 

I get angry/pissy/upset whenever someone continuously whines about not seeing their significant other for a few days. I'm sorry, maybe I'm being insensitive. However, when they continously whine TO ME about how it's just not fair that work/school/etc gets in the way, I really want to just walk away. Is that really so much to ask? Complain to your other friends, who have the same issues as you, not to me, who won't see her husband until sometime next year. 

I also get angry/pissy/upset when you compare missing your significant other to me missing mine. Um, unless they are in a war zone, forget it. You get to see yours every week, and don't spend the time in between terrified. And rubbing it in my face that you're about to go see them really pisses me off. The only people that I can usually tolerate hearing things like that from are other Army spouses, or those who are in a service that might not allow them to come home (police, firemen, etc). I understand accidents happen everyday, but the men and women who serve in high-risk capacities and their families are the ones that I have any empathy with. 

I realize that this isn't 'politically correct', because I've been told several times (by other Army wives) that people mean well, I shouldn't be so hard on them, and I understand that. But if I can't be upset here, be angry here, then where am I supposed to turn? I don't actually express the way I feel, except to other Army wives, and even then I was pretty much told that I'm wrong, that I have to just bottle things up to keep everyone else happy. So here I am, telling it to a nameless audience to not upset anyone else. 

Those are my biggest issues right now. I think I really just need to find ways of distracting myself, or finding new people to hang out with. 

Reasons

I am sitting in front of my computer, trying to think of how I want to write what's been going on in the last few days, when a question just kind of popped into my head.

What is it that I am expecting from keeping this blog?

So I sit here, in front of this computer, and think for a minute. This blog started as a way to keep track of my goals and achievements with being healthier, losing weight, and bringing my various health issues into check. I realized eventually that there wasn't a whole lot that I could say that hadn't already been said. There are so many more people out there who have worked harder, and had harder problems to overcome. I admire them, but I'm just not in that category.

Eventually I changed it into more of an everyday recording of what I'm doing, mainly because of all the stuff that I do, and what my life is like at the moment. But where is the interest? What can I offer that isn't already out there? There are blogs about military life, asthma, cancer, special interests...where would I even start to put my roots?

I started this, hoping that some aspect of my life would reach out to someone, or just strike a note emotionally. While I'm not the sickest, or the most accomplished, or even have this really unique life experience...I still have something to give, some sentence that someone can relate to. I want a reason to write again.

So I'll keep going with this blog. I don't know if anyone will ever read it, or follow me (besides the three that do; thanks all.) I guess I just want my corner of this internet world, because my current one is so unstable.

Anyway. Moving on.

Not a whole lot physically going on here. I've been working more, and it's helping the restlessness that I'm fighting. Maybe it's not restlessness, it's more that I feel pointless being here. Mike's not, so why am I? Because we started a life here. Because all of our stuff is here. And because I wouldn't know what to do with myself back home, much as I might miss it. I would just feel restless there, too. The only difference would be the presence of many more family and friends, and less spiders.

I hate spiders. Hate, hate, HATE them. I walked into my bedroom last night, and saw one scurrying across the floor. About an inch in diameter, and it kept hiding behind some boxes and eventually Mike's computer tower. Because it hid back there (and also because I hate spiders and never ever want to be closer than I have to be), I retrieved Mike's machete (yes, overkill, I know), and killed the spider. I didn't stab it, I used the flat part of the blade to smack it, and it worked. I grab a little plastic shovel and scoop up the now dead wolf spider, intending to flush it down the toilet, and right directly behind me is another freaking spider...probably three inches big or more. The damn thing scared me so much that I dropped the other spider I was carrying. So, again, I grab Mike's machete and proceed to kill the (much) bigger spider. After, I scoop it's body up along with the smaller, and flush them both. And today I double cleaned my room, took away any boxes that spiders might be tempted to hide behind, and put all my shoes into a plastic box. And rolled up all the empty duffles that we have, and put those into a plastic box. Now I'm just working on organizing all of our other stuff, like the papers and random things that were left in the third bedroom.

Other than that, just trying to keep busy with work and such.

When it rains...boy, does it POUR

August is already proving to be a pain in my ass.

Even though I was in Michigan when this heat wave first started, I know that it barreled in with a chip on it's shoulder. Correct me if I'm wrong, but today was the 36th straight day of 100+ temps in Oklahoma. Okies are NOT happy campers right now. I don't like it, either, and I like it even less when I received our utility bill.

The utilities are set up fairly nicely here. Instead of the multiple different companies that Michigan is used to, the city I live in set it up differently. Everything but gas and phone/internet/cable is through the City. Gas is another company, and then whatever electives you want to pay for. I knew that the utilities were going to be higher than usual, since the heat wave has the air running constantly (I have it set at 80, and it still runs a lot). I wasn't prepared for a $146 WATER BILL. Um, what?

Breaking it down: The bill date is for 6/21/11 to 7/20/11. I was in Michigan from 6/8/11 to 7/20/11. The roomie was also in Tulsa and then Michigan from 6/30/11 to 7/20/11. SO HOW IS OUR BILL SO FREAKING HIGH? The only person to come over was a friend, who grabbed our mail and checked on our stuff every few days. She maybe kept stuff in the fridge. But that was it. So I took my unhappy little bottom to the City building to talk to someone that might be able to help. All they were able to tell me at this point is that they would send someone out here to recheck my meter.

So, since I'm now panicking because I can't afford this water bill, I decide to talk to the neighbors that share this duplex. Funny story; they have three children and two adults that live there. Granted, the kids were gone with relatives during that time, but both adults were home during that time period. Their bill was only $40.

Something's fishy. I should be hearing back from the City tomorrow. More than likely, it's going to be something wrong in this house. Which means on Monday, I need to line my proof up and talk to my landlord. I am NOT paying for a water bill that high if something is wrong in this house. Unacceptable.

So that was my day. I'm not looking forward to Monday, since I have a counselor meeting, a doctor's appointment, and apparently landlords to talk to. Bleh.

Wish me luck!!!