Rain

I thought about posting earlier, but felt that I really didn't have much to say. A few hours went by, and I wanted to post again, but still felt like I had done nothing worthy of writing in the past few days. Sure, I went out, and exercised. I baked a pie and homemade pizza today. But that's really it.

I've been in a bad mood the last few days...mainly since I've gotten back from MI. I think I was so busy, and surrounded by a lot of people that were my friends and family, that I just didn't have time to feel anxious or anything. Now that I am back in OK, I have a lot of time on my hands to think about everything. I wish I were working, but that isn't working out like I hoped. Exercise only takes up so much time, and that just lets me think more. I don't really watch TV, because I hate being sucked into it. I think I need to read more...but ran out of books to read. Since I'm not working a whole lot, I don't have the money to go get more books. And I just keep thinking about everything going on right now. Mike is overseas. My mom is doing well, but it's still there. I'm a thousand miles from the town I grew up in, and all of my family and friends. I get frustrated easily. I mean, I have people here...but they are busy with their own lives. Since all I do is stress about the same things all the time, I'm tired of complaining about everything to them. Even if they say it's alright, it's not. I just don't know what to do about it.

That was were I was this morning. I went with Buck to the farmer's market, and just strolled around, then to the grocery store to buy things for an apple pie that I was gonna make for her family reunion. We got back, started the pies (pizza and dessert), and then I went to check with my neighbor to see if I could use their oven. And it was raining out.

Rain and water are important to me. I grew up less than fifteen minutes away from Lake Michigan, and MI has a pretty decent rainfall average. Moving to OK, there is less rain, and even less water. It's a big change. So when I saw that it was raining, I ran outside to stand in it. And just the joy that I got from standing in a rainstorm made me feel so much better. Like it was cleansing, or something. Just a little reminder of home, I suppose.

The rain almost inspires me to write. I haven't written a single word in a long time. Maybe the time to start is now. And maybe it will give me something to hold on to.

So soon...?!?!?!

What? Another post? So soon after the last?

I can't sleep. So I figured I'd update, once again.

I emailed my FRG contact person, asking about support groups. She gave me a few numbers to call, and also mentioned seeing the therapist person attached to the unit. I'm not thrilled by this development. Not that I have anything against therapists, but I feel that I'm letting myself and my husband down by the simple fact that I need to talk to someone, preferably one who understands what I'm talking about. I appreciate people listening, but sometimes it's not enough to have someone listen, and then not know what it is that you're saying. I'm still thinking about it, though. 

Other than that, I've been keeping busy. Back to working out, mainly on my bike. I went last night, despite the weather (100 degrees at 10:30 at night), but I'm not feeling it tonight. My stomach isn't feeling the best, so I think I'll skip tonight. I did do my strength training stuff today, though. So I'm only being half lazy. 

The only asthma attacks lately have been in the morning, when I first wake up. I think it's my allergies kicking back in. But at least they aren't while I'm on the bike. :D I feel better about it, anyways. 

I'm sure there is more to post about. However, I am pulling a blank. 'Til next time. 

Home?

So it seems that whenever I feel that I am getting a handle on things, either something else in my life goes wrong, or I find out I was just flat-out lying to myself. This week was definitely one of those weeks...

I'm back from Michigan. I can't believe that six weeks could go that quickly. I feel...torn. I have obligations here, ones that I can't easily walk away from. But with my husband overseas, I feel that it is pointless for me to be here right now. Here is where I will stay, because this is the place that he will eventually come home to. But it feels so empty without him here.

Melancholy has definitely set in. I find myself thinking too much, about everything that has been going on in the past few weeks. I hate this part of me. I'm better than this, stronger. But I just can't deal as well as I usually do. Hopefully going back to work will help me though this stage.

I had more to write...but I'm too tired to remember.

Adjustments

I've been doing some thinking...and I've come to the conclusion that I need to change this blog a bit. I honestly don't feel that I have enough to write about here, just regarding my asthma and eating habits...not to mention everything else that tends to go on in my life. My asthma and health are a big part, but not the whole. I just can't ignore the rest anymore.

So while I'll still talk (aka complain) about my asthma, exercising, and eating habits, I need to include more. Especially about what has been keeping me away from here.

My mother was recently diagnosed with cancer. She called me about five or six weeks ago to tell me, and I was floored. I don't really remember much from the conversation, except being told that my mid-forties mother has developed breast cancer. I didn't understand then, and I don't really understand it now. Breast cancer happens...just not in my family. At least, nothing that we know of. Then my doctor told me that cases of breast cancer is generally only 20% genetic. Great.

During the surgery, they also took a few lymph nodes, just to see if the breast cancer had metastasized. Luckily, they didn't find any breast cancer. Instead, they found lymphoma--a completely different cancer. I won't lie, even though she was in the middle of treatment for the breast cancer, and the doctors were optimistic about the lymphoma, I wasn't taking it well, and neither was my husband. I just couldn't help but think of the 'what if's'.

Mom is doing fine, now. She doesn't need chemo for the breast cancer, it wouldn't do anything to make sure it didn't come back. She only has a 5% recurrence rate (which is fantastic), and the lymphoma is something she can live with, unless it starts blocking an organ, or causing problems in her everyday life. I am so very, very glad about this.

In the middle of everything, Mike was finally deployed. I can't really say when, or where, but he's overseas. I wasn't taking everything as well as I feel I should. We did have a last four day pass, which we spent in Orange Beach, AL (which is gorgeous!), but it just isn't enough. I suppose it never is.

I feel that I was getting...cocky. I believed that I was fine, completely fine. I told myself that I wasn't going to break down when my husband left, that I was going to be this super-strong Army wife that takes on whatever life hands her....and then I received that phone call. I broke down twice in panic attacks, until I came back to MI to be with my family for a while. I think that this was the only solution, to both help me transition and keep my sanity, and to make sure my mom is going to be alright. I've been better since I've been here, and both seeing that my mom is doing fine, and knowing that her outlook is amazing is really helping me. It just hits me sometimes, especially at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and my mind wanders and thinks about everything that I can push aside during the day.

I think that's about it for now....I feel somewhat drained from the last few weeks, and am still trying to catch myself up on everything.

Life?

Here I am!!!

Not sure if anyone has been keeping up with this anymore, since I haven't posted in over a month. Life has been getting in the way...

Here's the scoop. I sort of work at Staples, instead, I am watching my neighbor's kids as kind of an unofficial daycare. Basically, I help out with the kids, and make sure that they don't drive their parents nuts while working and studying (Mom is a full time student, and Dad has a few classes). Basically I spend my day chasing after a two year old and four year old! :) There is a older boy, Daniel, who is ten, so he's at school during the day. But since Alice, my employer, is coaching his baseball team, I am also the unofficial photographer for his team. Days tend to be full!

I am also filling my days with getting my artwork together, trying to fix pictures, and keep up with my house. Not to mention friends that I try and hang out with. Luckily time is flying by. My family is also dealing with some issues, but nothing that we can't get through!

As for the main point of this blog. I've been walking/jogging when time allows. I know I need to schedule it in, and make it a part of life, but that seems to be the hardest thing for me. It doesn't help that I've been battling a sinus infection (but luckily not bronchitis again!), so my breathing has been off. I got my neighbor, Alice, to go on a walk with me, and I think I wore her out. From our place (we both live in the same duplex, so we literally share a wall) to the local park, around the lake, and back home is 4.7 miles. I have a bit more stamina then she has, so I kept leaving her behind. It kind of gave me a good feeling inside, knowing that at one point, I wouldn't have been able to do that at all!

The last week, I have been walking on the treadmill. I find that it's regulating my stride, so I can go a bit longer. I need to work on pacing myself. On Monday, however, after doing a half hour preset workout, I was curious and decided to set the treadmill at a 3.7...a jog for me. I jogged for four minutes straight! I was pretty excited, because that was the longest I have EVER been able to jog.

So yesterday, I hopped on the treadmill again, without a workout first, to see how well I could do. I stretched, then did a two minute warm up walk, and then proceeded to jog at 3.7 again, and did a straight 8 minutes before I couldn't do anymore. So I slowed to a walk, and did a two minute cool down walk. For those 12 minutes, I went .628 miles. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but it really is, for me. I've never been able to run that much before!

So while I haven't been posting much, I have been working out, I swear! Thanks for the patience!

A Time to Heal

In case you couldn't tell by the title, I've been sick recently. Not anything too major. Sinus infection combined with bronchitis, which is in turn setting off my asthma. I feel disgusting with all of the random mucus. I know it could be worse (I could have had to go to the hospital instead of the doc like I have before...), but I'm ready to show this sinus infection the door. I don't think I've ever had bronchitis before. If I have, I don't remember it making me this tired. I had to climb a single flight of steps yesterday, and got dizzy and really out of breath from it. Not that normal for me, seeing as I climb ladders at work, and they don't usually bother my asthma, just my knees.

Speaking of which, they are still grand and crunchy. I feel like someone's creaky rocking chair. I was sitting on the side of the bed the other night, while Mike was still home, and would just extend my leg out, and back again, and definitely could hear the popping. I am thinking it's time to start wearing my brace at work. :(

Now, enough depressing health stories. Here's what else is going on in my life:

My husband has left for his final training before deployment. I am trying hard to deal, but it's not as easy as it was the last times he went to training. I think it has to do with him going to a war zone after this one. But I'm not thinking about that. Instead, I am going to concentrate on making it though this next year in one piece.

We recently found a black widow spider in our garage. For all of you who did know...I HATE spiders, all spiders, EWW. Seeing a large, black, shiny spider with red dots on her back, I was concerned, and asked Mike to kill it. Quickly. It only made it worse when he flipped the spider over to see that red hourglass on her abdomen. EW EW EW. We never had black widows or brown recluses or scorpions where I grew up. I don't care how common they are here, I hate spiders, especially spiders that can POISON me.

Luckily, I have great neighbors that will come over and kill said spiders.

Speaking of neighbors...mine are great. The ones that are in the other half of the duplex are a really nice couple with three kids, and we all seem to get along great. Which makes me super happy, especially since the experiences with the last neighbors weren't so great. I haven't actually met the neighbors on the other side of me, but I do know that one of them is tall enough to see over the privacy fence and directly into our kitchen. It's only slightly disturbing.

Other than this, I've been trying to keep my house clean, trying to get my creativity back into gear, and attempting to walk despite my knees. So far, it hasn't worked to well. The last time I walked, it was for a half an hour, and I felt fine...until the next day, when my right knee felt weaker than normal and threatened to give out a few times. So I've been taking it easy, which frustrates me to no end. Although Mike and I talked about some other ideas that might help me...one of which appeals to me. Rather than walking, or at least postponing my goals until I can figure out what to do about my knees, I think I might invest in a bicycle. There is a nice little lake about a quarter mile away, and it's three miles around. Plus, less stress on my knees this way, and I get in my fitness. Hopefully soon I can figure out which bike I need, and start looking.

Anyway, it's time for bed. I am exhausted from getting up at 430 AM to drive home to make it in time for work.

Update?

Things have been rolling lately!

My father in law came and went. His trip here was interesting...lots of things going on while he was here. I learned to cook a few of his recipes, so hopefully I will be replicating them soon.

Mike has left for predeployment stuff. And so it begins.

We moved into our new place. It's soo much bigger! So far, so good...but I'm still in the process of unpacking. We've gotten everything done except for my room and the office. But at least the rest of the house is habitable!

As far as exercise is going, I've only been able to get on the treadmill a few times in the last few weeks, and I can't run whatsoever. Both knees are acting up now, and I just can't push myself to strain them anymore. So I'm powerwalking, I suppose. Not a stroll, but not racewalking, either. I really need to dig out my knee braces and start using them at work. I'm pretty sure it's climbing the ladders all day that are slowly wearing them down.

As for my eating habits, they haven't been so hot lately. A combination of fast meals and snacks, which isn't good, but at least my weight is hitting about the same, so I haven't gone up any.

My asthma. It's been acting up. A lot. Since I was doing so well without using my preventative meds, I stopped taking them for a time, sort of to see how well I can be without them. Experiment was a failure, I blame spring moving on in. Not that I want spring to leave (I HATE winter), but I wish it would leave the allergens elsewhere. Like somewhere I'm not.

Long story short, I'm starting back onto my preventative meds. I am trying not to see this as a failure, or a step backwards. I've been struggling with that lately, telling myself it could be much, much worse. Sometimes I succeed (thank you Mr. Gaudet, for your inspirational self), especially when I look at my nebulizer and realize that I haven't had to use it in at least a year. Other, more trying days, I look at it with loathing and hope that today isn't the day that I need to begin using it again.

Oh, well. Not today, thank God. Not today.