I need, I need, I need...

...to start calling people back. I don't hate you, I just feel that there's so little to talk about, that I have a hard time talking on the phone.

...to finish the cleaning projects that I made for myself. Like the unpacked boxes sitting in the spare room, the clutter in our bedroom...

...to start writing and drawing again. I miss my creativity. Now it consists of sitting on the computer. Sometimes I take pictures.

...to do something other than play on the computer, read, and work. Hello, facebook...

The problem is, I am so unmotivated. I don't know what it is. Right now, I have all the time necessary to go and do and see, without a husband here. Not that Mike limits me in any way, he never would. But Mike just being here, and having the opportunity to see him, that usually keeps me home.

I'm a bit torn. I used to write, and do things, creative things. I seem to have lost that spark....right around the time that I got away from things that were hurting me. It was good that I got away, but I also lost where I pulled the emotions to write from.

Anyway. Enough bitching.

I'm back on the running plan. I'm attempting the Couch to 5k. I am currently on week 3, day 3...but I started at week 3, day 1. I'm such a cheater, I know.

Right now, the only good thing I have to look forward to (besides Mike coming home, that's a given!) is that a friend of mine was a photography major, and not only gave me pointers on my camera, but we are planning an escape on Friday to go play. Woooo!

That's all. I think bed is calling me, since I'm old and go to bed early now.

Moody. That's All.

I really should be sleeping right now. 7:30 AM comes very quickly.

I watched a movie with my roommate. It was supposed to be one of those quirky coming-of-age, teens find out just how unfair/sucky life can be flicks. I didn't cry, the roomie did. But for some odd reason, it made me miss my husband. It's one of those nights that I wish I could click my heels three times, or find a magic lamp to rub, or just....anything to make him reappear. I miss him, so much. I knew it would be hard, but I never even dreamed it would be like this. It's not something that you can prepare for, I don't think.

That's really it. None of the 'insights' that I insist on posting here once a week, sometimes more often. Nothing but the fact that I miss my husband.

Sigh. Hopefully just a few more months until I see him.

All Rainbows and Sunshine

Things have been looking up in Reganland.

It looks like I'm about to go to 40 hours at work (yay money/distractions!). It help, oh yes it does.

I got to talk to my husband TWICE IN TWO DAYS. That hasn't happened since before he left. Of course, that just made my freaking week. Maybe the rest of the month. We are currently busy little bees, making plans for after the deployment, which may include a move *gasp*. We are also planning on buying a house, so I've contacted Realtor to find out more information.

We are just growing up so quickly!

I managed to turn my $220 cell phone bill into a $78 one. It took playing a serious hand (Military Spouse of a Deployed Soldier card, Female card, and Loyal Sprint Customer for 6 Years card), and a weeeeee bit underhanded dealings, but I don't have to pay the full amount. Which helps, since my electric bill has still been off the charts. I hate you, 100+ degree weather. Good news is that it only got up into the 60's yesterday. Can we say sweatshirts?

I leave for MI and wedding festivities in less than a week, then the week after that Pete will be in town for more wedding fun. Busy busy busy for the next two weeks. I'm getting a little nervous since I'm the freaking photographer for on of the weddings, and I haven't been able to practice since my camera is broken. Very broken. Luckily I have two wonderful cousins who have volunteered the use of their cameras, and one of them is compatible with the lenses that I have.

I have lost ten pounds since the start of the 'Auna Wants to be Skinny/Doesn't Want to Develop Diabetes' challenge just over a month ago. I'm pretty sure I weigh less than I did in high school, so at least there's that!

My hair is red again. Oh, happiness. it's no longer the faded reddish/copper/brown with dark brown roots that I was rocking for a few months. Stress, little money, and absolutely no inclination to do anything about it contributed to that hairstyle for a while. But it's back to red.

Anyone who reads this should visit herobracelets.org. You can order custom metal or leather bracelets with the names of loved ones, with a saying underneath their name. Anything you want to put. I ordered one, and I looovesss it. Instead of the typical where and when the soldier is deployed like the examples say, I put a Gaelic saying on mine. Really awesome part? $2 of every bracelet goes to a Military-based charity of your choice, which is a decent percentage when some of their stuff is only $14.

My passport is processing! Depending on circumstances, when Mike has his leave, it looks like we'll be meeting up in Germany. I is excited! The last time (and only) time I've been out of the country was when my grandparents took me to Windsor, right across the Detroit River. Which really doesn't count, since Canada is thisclose to Detroit...seriously, less than a mile away. Now you all know why I sound like a Canadian!

Aaaaannnnnddd.....


U of M is currently beating Eastern MI. Go Blue!!!

Title change...again

As this current title says, I've changed the name of this blog. Again. The previous one just wasn't giving the right feel.

'Inevitable' by Anberlin was our wedding song...and continues to be 'our' song. We were inevitable. Things happened in such a way that we were just meant. Fate? I dunno. But I fully believe it. So many factors that should have worked against us, timing, etc...and we still made it here. One day I'll share our story.

'I want to be your last first kiss for all time' is the last line in the song. And oh how perfect it is.

On another note, I got to talk to the hubby today! I am glad that we have the ability to email, but hearing his voice is just oh-so-much-nicer. It helps me judge his mood, and hearing his laughter is the best thing in my life right now. It might have been caused by something stupid that I did, and he may very well be laughing, but what the hell.

Absurd?

Lately I've been feeling like the many parts of my life make some sort of absurd picture when they make the whole of me. First and foremost, I am a wife. A military one at that, but a wife. Because it's military, there are things that I have to do, and go through, that a lot of wives don't have to. (Not saying it's better/worse, just different). This aspect of my life consists of sleeping alone cuddling with a pillow because that's all I have right now, handling problems as if I were a single person, mailing care packages/emailing/sometimes receiving calls to keep in touch with my husband. 'Our' room looks like 'my' room, because I'm the only one that has lived here since we (I) moved here. I refuse to put away the last bit of his laundry that's sitting folded because then there is something of his that's lying out, and I can see it.

The other aspects? I have to live my life as if he's not deployed, as if he's just on a business trip. I mean, I suppose he is...just a very long, arduous one. But I have to go out. Work. Hang out with friends. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cry when I have to, and suck it up when I can manage it.

I've gone from hearing bad news about soldiers, and feeling every inch of being a Military Wife to having to go to work and sell people office supplies. Reading about a soldier losing his legs through his wife's blog post to talking about what kind of pen someone would prefer, in about a half an hour's span of time.

Absurd? It feels like it. This is my life, my reality. It seems skewed to me, but maybe that's just how I feel. I do know that it feels like living two lives. In one, I'm 25, married to the most amazing man I could ask for, working and dreaming about going back to college to become a licensed mental health counselor. I go to work, out with friends occasionally, hang out with the neighbors. In the other, I feel older than I am. I am in charge of everything that needs to happen here. Everything breaks because my husband left, or the bills get higher and I have to figure out why. I have to live with the knowledge that there might be a knock on my door one day. We all hope and pray that it won't happen to us, and we never, ever acknowledge it, but it's always there, in the little compartment that we lock it in. I hate it when people knock on my door. I have about a ten second span of emotion, my adrenaline kicks up, only to find that it's the neighbor needing something.

I have my good days. I have my share of bad ones. Deployment is so different from anything I've ever experienced, worse and somehow better than I ever thought. I'm not sure how that works, but it's just so much more than I could ever convey in writing.

I can't wait until he calls again. Hearing the laughter in his voice when I tell him something stupid I did is everything right now.

Let's have a Happy Blog!

I'm feeling good at the moment, so we are going to have a happy blog. Why?

Because I now officially weigh less than I did in high school. That is definitely a celebration. And while I didn't exactly gain a whole lot since high school (only 7-15 lbs at any given time), I'm still happy about it. Now to keep it going!

Last I measured, I was an inch smaller in the four areas I measured: my bust line, natural waist, the fattest part of my stomach, and my hips. I can't wait to get to 150 lbs because that's when I measure next. My neighbor told me yesterday that it looked like my clothes were getting ready to fall off. I have to wear a belt to work now, because I refuse to buy new pants until I reach my goal weight.

I am sooooo excited!

Alright, that is all. I need to go make my lunch and dinner before work. :D

Mixed

Lately, I've been swinging back and forth between emotions-on opposite ends of the spectrum. The other day, really for no reason that I can comprehend, I started crying. At work. I ran into the bathroom to calm myself down. I still haven't a clue why I just started crying. I hate that part of me. I feel so weak. What I go through is nothing compared to what other spouses have had to endure, not to mention what our husbands (and wives!) are doing overseas. Other times, I'm fine. Like nothing is happening. I haven't decided if this is normal or not.

So I keep busy. I spend my day off cleaning my room. Next is the kitchen and living room. There are boxes from cleaning out the third room. Hopefully the person that wants to rent it will be in soon. We could really use the extra person in here.

I have the oddest relationship with time right now. Have you ever had one of those dreams, where you are running towards something but you aren't moving? That whatever it is you are trying to catch is calling to you, taunting you, but you still go nowhere? That's how it is with time lately. It moves so quickly, a week is gone in a blink of an eye--but never quick enough. It still feels like forever until Mike gets home.

Anyway. Onto a better subject.

I started jogging again. I know the doctor told me not to, but my knee has been feeling so much better lately that I just had to try. I jogged for 6 minutes straight (gotta build it back up!), and didn't have an asthma attack OR blow out my knee. I didn't stay on the treadmill long, just enough to warm up, jog as long as I could handle it, and cool down. I refuse to push too hard right now, specifically since I don't want to kill my knees. I've apparently dodged the bullet so far.

More good news: I'm down 8.2 pounds in a little over 3 weeks! It's been mostly my eating habits. Apparently eating like I'm diabetic is helping me. I only have 24 more pounds to go. My neighbor says that she can tell a difference already; I'm not so sure. I'm also a little wary of this weight loss, because I went down then went back up-way up. I think it was probably the beer I had the other night, since then I've researched and have found that any alcohol will make you retain water. I've decided that I'm not drinking again until after I'm at my goal weight. Then I can afford to splurge every now and again, and deal with the water retention. Right now, still so new into this lifestyle change, the little things are adding up and sometimes make me want to quit. But aside from being a little bad every now and again, I'm keeping myself eating healthy. I'm just surprised that I've gone this long. It really does take a lot of willpower to buy groceries and not grab a bunch of candy bars at the checkout.

The next few weeks should be entertaining. Two weeks from tomorrow, I fly home for my little brother's wedding, where I will be taking pictures. Not with my camera, which is still broken, but my cousins'. They have very generously offered to let me borrow their cameras. Five days later, I fly home, only to turn around two days after that to pick up my father in law, who will be here in OK to visit and go to a friends' wedding with me. A few days after that, I drive him back to the airport, and half a week after that (still there?), I am planning on going to the Blue October concert. Woooo!

Until then, however, my life will consist of working, cleaning, and the occasional emails and phone calls from my husband. Speaking of which, I need to up the minutes on my plan. I forgot that he was calling from a 'landline', and not his cell phone...so I have over a $200 phone bill to pay. I'm going to try and wait it out til the end of the month, so I don't get pro-rated, but once my minutes creep up there, I'm going to have to break down to avoid paying so much. Oh, well. It's worth it to be able to hear his voice.

Another Day

Another Day

It's days like today,
where I woke up lonely,
sad,
missing the impression that you make,
that I think it's just another day.

Days like today,
no matter how bright the sun
it can't light my world,
no matter what I try.

It's just another day.

I'm waiting for that day,
the day it turns another day
into a someday,
and someday to be today,
so you'll be here with me.


I haven't written in...forever, so forgive me if that poem makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But it's true, today was a rough day, and I haven't any idea why. I've been having good days. Nothing too bad, just keeping busy. Am I due this bad day, then? Have I reached my quota? Or did I just wake up wrong?

I spent the good portion of my morning and early afternoon in bed. Not moving, or really doing much of anything. Just playing around on the internet. Late afternoon swung around, and our friend Jon called me up and nagged me over to his place, where he had his sweet little girl. So I got to play for a few hours, and had dinner cooked for me. It was a nice break, and I'm definitely grateful...but I'm still in this pissy mood.

I can't even blame it on the fact that I am disappointed that Mike wasn't able to call. I mean, I am sad, but I understand the why, and accept that. I was just awful before I even knew he wasn't going to be able to call.

Blah. I think it's time to hide in my room again with a book.

A Quote

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."


For my husband, whom I am missing terribly tonight...but it will be so worth it the next time I see him.


Thanks to Unlikely Wife, from whom I grabbed this saying from. 

The 'Oooh Shiny!' Syndrome

I feel...compelled to write about something completely frivolous today. It's probably because of the arrival of a certain something from Fed-Ex yesterday. Backstory:

When my husband and I got married, I had just a single band. He claims that he wanted something that I couldn't poke my eye out with, telling the salesperson at Kay's that I would 'be the one person in the world to find a short tree in the desert and trip over it'. Hmph. I fully disagree with that, and secretly think it's because he didn't want to pick anything out, and a band was the most simple thing to get. Not to mention the fact that we were engaged for two months, with Mike asking me to marry him from 1,000 miles away, and only getting home two days before the wedding.

I had just the band for a few weeks, until the constant "Oh, you're engaged!" got to me. Seriously. I can't tell you how many times I had to explain that I was married. So I broke down and bought an inexpensive stacking band from Kohl's. It is pretty, with a few diamonds in it, nothing special. I wore that for almost a year before I started having problems with it. For some reason, I began to get little fluid-filled bumps on the skin under the ring. They went away when I wore only my wedding ring. One day, I got tired of it, and switched to the claddagh ring that my very good friend Cassie bought for me. She and my other BFF, Kayla, and I all have matching ones to symbolize our friendship. I wore that for a while, until the sterling silver plating started chipping off.

And on to the Now:

So, I have been wanting another ring. Something more...traditional. I feel that it's silly of me, since the ring that I wanted would be considered the "engagement" part of the wedding set, and I am definitely not engaged anymore. But I still wanted one. I blame this on the "Oooh Shiny!' syndrome. Basically, I love all things that are sparkly and shiny. Enough that I routinely get distracted from whatever it is I was doing or saying because I see something bright and sparkly and shiny.

So I found a ring, despite feeling silly about it. The reasons why I love it:

1. It's definitely very sparkly.
2. It's the exact style I always liked.

The reasons why I think Mike likes it:
1. It makes me happy. (Or so I think...haha!)
2. It was less than $200.

Instead of diamonds, this ring is made of white sapphires...lab created ones. It's still white gold, which I love, but the sapphires make a beautiful ring. I am also happy about the fact that I know, beyond a doubt, that these are NOT blood conflict diamonds.

Here it is! 

There really is no point to this story. It's just something I am currently excited about...and I'm not even sure why. I feel slightly guilty, like the fact that I bought another ring will hurt Mike's feelings. He reassured me that that isn't the case, but still. I still absolutely LOVE my wedding band. He picked it out for me, and put it on my finger on our wedding day. It's a symbol, one that I wear every day, of the commitments that we made. I could never give that up.

So, really, is there something wrong with wanting a little bit of sparkle?

Insights

Just to warn you before you read the paragraph below, I have a strange thought process, completely random at times. It usually makes sense, but you have to see the whole thread before it does. . 

I was about to leave for work today, when I had the thought: I am a military wife. How did this happen? The process: I was happy because tomorrow is my day off. My day off means that I get to talk to my husband. My husband is in Afghanistan, because of the military. I married my husband...therefore, I am a military wife. 

It was just one of those moments, where you knew something before, but it never really hit you until some random point of your life. I am not only someone's WIFE, but a military one at that. I remember once telling myself that I would never be able to handle it. However, somehow, here I am, 'handling' it to the best of my ability. The reason I put that into quotations is that I have my moments, where I break down and cry, or something good happened that I keep forgetting to tell my husband about, because we don't talk everyday like civilian couples do. When I was younger, and I heard women talking about their husbands overseas, I just couldn't imagine a world where I didn't see my significant other for months or years at a time. Even in my previous relationships, I couldn't imagine taking more than a week apart...until the eventual end, when spending time apart became mandatory, otherwise a break-up would ensue (believe me, had I realized that at the time, I would have saved myself the head and heartache-hindsight is a bitch). But with Mike...we've lived together a total of 6 months together. We will be married 2 years in December. And somehow, it's alright. I don't like it, but I'm living. Thriving, in a way. I just can't believe that I never seriously thought that I could ever be an Army wife...and here I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I hate that he's gone. That he can't see or hear about my small everyday accomplishments, or that I can't unload on him like when he's home. But I'm also using this time to think, to plan. To see who I am, without Mommy or Daddy or my husband to take care of me.  am solving problems. I am making changes in my life that are going to be healthier for me. I am emotionally growing, so that I will be that much better when Mike comes home. 

See what I mean about random thought process?

That was my insight for the day. Other than the thinking that I do, things have been normal. I am still losing weight (yay!), and I think it's definitely because of the blood sugar issue I have. Since cutting the artificial sugar and white flour, I'm dropping weight very quickly. I did find out that even a little bit of alcohol will cause major water retention, so I am cutting off all alcohol until I get to my goal weight and can afford to splurge a bit. I did have some Pepsi Max tonight. I just couldn't face the ridiculous amount of sugar in the real thing, and I know if I had a can, I would drink the whole thing. So I had the diet version, and only drank about 8 oz. So we will see how I feel tomorrow. It gives me just enough Pepsi flavor to help the cravings, but it isn't as good, so I don't want to drink a whole lot of it. I may try getting a can of regular Pepsi and drinking half of it next week, and see how I feel.

The Latest News & Thoughts

A quick post, because I am really tired, but unable to fall asleep. Maybe if I write...?

I'm slowly learning that there are no rules anymore. As a child, teen, and young adult, I had all sorts of rules to follow. It was comforting, because they were always there, giving my life structure. Now that I'm an adult, I fully expect things to go the way I think they should go...but they never do. Or maybe it's not that I'm learning that there aren't any rules; its that I'm realizing that the world definitely is bigger than me. I don't know which it is. All I know is, the things I want, I have to work for. Things I want don't always happen the way I want them to. And just because I say 'please' doesn't mean that it'll happen.

I miss my husband. I mean, that's a given. But this deployment is definitely teaching me that I won't always get my way-or hardly at all. I can't just wish him home. I can't wish time to go any faster. Almost nothing I can do or think will change anything he might experience over there. I say that because I do send him things, and so I hope I influence him just a little. It's a humbling experience, but one that isn't sitting very comfortably right now. Maybe, once Mike is home, I won't fight it so much. But right now, it's hard.

Anyway. Anyway.

Last Saturday was rough. I had to work a mid, so I wasn't able to go out and show my support. The city I currently live in had a soldier's funeral on Saturday. RIP Spc. Jordan Morris. Unfortunately, the Westboro Church decided they were going to protest here in town. Luckily Okies are VERY patriotic, so a TON of people lined the streets, waving flags, and the Patriot Guard helped to keep everything together, as well. That 'church' honestly makes me so angry! I don't care what you believe in, this isn't my place to judge ANYONE. However, I do not support protesting at funerals, regardless. There is no place for disrespect at a funeral. What has happened in this world that allows for such crude intolerance? I mean, again, believe what you will. But to advertise that not only are you PRAYING for the deaths of thousands of the soldiers that are fighting for your right to mouth this bullsh*t, you are going to pray for the deaths of children? No, I do not support your 'right' to do any of that.

Again, luckily it went well. The protesters showed up, but no one payed much attention to them. The focus was on Spc. Morris' funeral and family, as it should have been.

MIKE WAS ABLE TO CALL! I was so excited to hear from him. We talked for two hours, and it made me feel sooo much better. I hope that it helped him, too, a little. I was so angry at first, because in the two minutes I literally left my phone in my room to check something, he called. I was angry enough to throw a measuring cup against the wall. (I don't condone violence; however, I thought that was a better alternative to throwing my cell phone or punching a wall-there was that much anger). Luckily, he was able to call back. We were busy making plans about the rest of our lives. Or maybe the next year or two.

One last thing before I go. (And I know this has been all over the place-but I'm tired and don't care to properly segue into the next paragraph.) I have officially lost 3.4 pounds in about a week and two days. Wooo! Cutting out the processed flour and sugar seem to be working. I mean, I tend to eat very healthy now. Most days I eat between 1200-1300 calories, and it's all healthy. Whole wheat, lean meats, veggies, fruits, and some dairy. Everything low-or reduced-fat, no added sugar. It's actually slightly easier than I thought when I first started. It's just a matter of good planning, and learning to read labels. My kitchen scale is fast becoming my new BFF. I've been doing the  'naughty' thing and weighing myself everyday, like the experts tell you not to. Except for one day when the scale stayed at the same weight as the day before, it's been a steady drop in weight. Not a single day have I gained an ounce over what I was the day before. I can't wait to start seeing more of a difference in my appearance. I've already noticed a difference in my energy levels, and mood. So, here's to hoping I keep it up!

I guess this post wasn't as short as I thought it would be.

Better.

Things have been looking up lately, I suppose.
1. My washer wasn't broken, it was a leak from my air conditioner. Apparently there has been too much condensation. Who'd have though?
2. The leaks in my house have been fixed. Yay!
3. The City is in the middle of approving my lower bill, hopefully I will find out tomorrow what it is.
4. The Wii started working on it's own. Creepy in a way, but I'm very happy it's not dead. No, I have no idea what happened to it, nor do I care. It's alive!
5. I have been sooooo busy at work that I haven't been as miserable lately. Weird in a way, but good.

It's Back to School season at Staples!! It's been mass hysteria, I swear. We can barely get our freight done right now, and rather than it taking a day or two, it stretches for a few days and goes into the next load. I don't think we've been clear in over a week. Good news is that I am getting a lot of hours, so I am not just sitting around doing nothing but thinking. It seems to be making time go faster.

I've been doing some thinking about school, and I really do think that I want to go back to school for counseling of some sort. I'm excited thinking about it, even though I probably won't be able to go back for another year.

On Sunday I started a new 'lifestyle change'. I call it this because I want it to be permanent, not just a temporary change to lose weight. Basically, I have cut out processed flour and sugar, and am only eating whole wheat and naturally occurring sugar. I am following the guidelines of the food pyramid, and am keeping it to about 1200 calories a day. So far, I've been under 40 grams of fat every day since Sunday, and under the recommended about of carbs, too. I do have a calorie/nutrition counter, called myfitnesspal, that it on my phone, so I really do enter in every single thing that goes into my mouth, drink and condiments included. Honestly, I think I eat more now than before, but since so much of it is healthier and lower in calories, I eat more. I started weighing myself Monday, and while I know the experts say that you should only weigh yourself once a week, I have actually been weighing everyday. Its not necessarily the same time, but always after I wake up, pee for the first time, and before I eat or drink anything. In the four days I've weighed myself, I've dropped 1.4 pounds. That in itself makes me happy, but also knowing that I seem to be in better moods lately, too. If I stick to this plan, I will be at my goal weight (about 30 pounds lighter) before Mike gets home for leave (if he comes home the time we think he will--never assume in the military). I would be one happy girl if I can make this happen. So far, so good. Day Five is over, onto the next!

Other than that, nothing too much is happening here. Getting close to the time that I fly back to see my baby brother say 'I do', wooo! I'm excited to go home again, even if it is just for a weekend. I'm flying out on a Thursday, wedding on Saturday (during which I am taking pictures, God help us all), spending time with people for the rest of the time until I fly out on Tuesday. Then, the Saturday after, I will be at another friend's wedding. Hopefully my father in law will be able to fly in for that, I'm really hoping so.

I kind of have an idea of something I want to draw. Something I saw on the internet. We shall see.

And now, since I'm starting to feel more than just a little tired, I am heading for bed.

Definitely a 'Rant'

Recap and update of everything going on:

Spiders: I have not seen a single spider since I put sweeps on the doors, and sprayed bug/spider spray long the perimeter of the house. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Two night without a sighting. 

Utilities: My landlord has called in a plumbing company, who will be here tomorrow. So we shall see. If they find a leak and fix it, I can bring a copy of the receipt to the City building and get refunded for whatever my water average is. 

Washer: They should be here tomorrow, as well. 

the Wii: Is still not working. It was plugged into a surge protector, but I don't know what happened. So I might try to call on that, as well. Because the Playstation still doesn't have a new password, we can't watch Netflix on the TV at all, which is pretty much what I use it for. 

Lately, I have been getting things done, and taken care of. I picked up an extra shift at work this week, and have already picked up another one for next week. We had a major storm here two days ago, and we've already done the cleanup in our two yards (mine and my neighbors). I have a tree down in my yard, and my neighbors have a fence down, and no longer own a trampoline. 

Emotionally, though, I'm still fighting. 

Basically, I feel angry and restless all the time. Not angry really, I just have zero patience with anything. It makes work difficult, since it's the back to school rush. And since this is a college town, we have a LOT of back to school people. Here is what I tend to be feeling at any given moment. 

I feel slightly abandoned here. Mike is gone (not by choice, I understand that, I really do). However, I can count on one hand the number of friends that I have here in Stillwater. One only returns my calls/texts if it has to do with college, one is moving to NYC (that I understand, as well), another I haven't really been able to pin down at all in the last few weeks. I have my roommate, but we tend to see things at two different levels, and my neighbors, but they have their own lives and kids, so I don't feel right relying on them constantly. The other two people...they are busy. And they are Mike's friends, first. I like them, I do...but all I feel is a burden on them. So basically I sit at home and think about everything. 

I get angry/pissy/upset whenever someone continuously whines about not seeing their significant other for a few days. I'm sorry, maybe I'm being insensitive. However, when they continously whine TO ME about how it's just not fair that work/school/etc gets in the way, I really want to just walk away. Is that really so much to ask? Complain to your other friends, who have the same issues as you, not to me, who won't see her husband until sometime next year. 

I also get angry/pissy/upset when you compare missing your significant other to me missing mine. Um, unless they are in a war zone, forget it. You get to see yours every week, and don't spend the time in between terrified. And rubbing it in my face that you're about to go see them really pisses me off. The only people that I can usually tolerate hearing things like that from are other Army spouses, or those who are in a service that might not allow them to come home (police, firemen, etc). I understand accidents happen everyday, but the men and women who serve in high-risk capacities and their families are the ones that I have any empathy with. 

I realize that this isn't 'politically correct', because I've been told several times (by other Army wives) that people mean well, I shouldn't be so hard on them, and I understand that. But if I can't be upset here, be angry here, then where am I supposed to turn? I don't actually express the way I feel, except to other Army wives, and even then I was pretty much told that I'm wrong, that I have to just bottle things up to keep everyone else happy. So here I am, telling it to a nameless audience to not upset anyone else. 

Those are my biggest issues right now. I think I really just need to find ways of distracting myself, or finding new people to hang out with. 

Reasons

I am sitting in front of my computer, trying to think of how I want to write what's been going on in the last few days, when a question just kind of popped into my head.

What is it that I am expecting from keeping this blog?

So I sit here, in front of this computer, and think for a minute. This blog started as a way to keep track of my goals and achievements with being healthier, losing weight, and bringing my various health issues into check. I realized eventually that there wasn't a whole lot that I could say that hadn't already been said. There are so many more people out there who have worked harder, and had harder problems to overcome. I admire them, but I'm just not in that category.

Eventually I changed it into more of an everyday recording of what I'm doing, mainly because of all the stuff that I do, and what my life is like at the moment. But where is the interest? What can I offer that isn't already out there? There are blogs about military life, asthma, cancer, special interests...where would I even start to put my roots?

I started this, hoping that some aspect of my life would reach out to someone, or just strike a note emotionally. While I'm not the sickest, or the most accomplished, or even have this really unique life experience...I still have something to give, some sentence that someone can relate to. I want a reason to write again.

So I'll keep going with this blog. I don't know if anyone will ever read it, or follow me (besides the three that do; thanks all.) I guess I just want my corner of this internet world, because my current one is so unstable.

Anyway. Moving on.

Not a whole lot physically going on here. I've been working more, and it's helping the restlessness that I'm fighting. Maybe it's not restlessness, it's more that I feel pointless being here. Mike's not, so why am I? Because we started a life here. Because all of our stuff is here. And because I wouldn't know what to do with myself back home, much as I might miss it. I would just feel restless there, too. The only difference would be the presence of many more family and friends, and less spiders.

I hate spiders. Hate, hate, HATE them. I walked into my bedroom last night, and saw one scurrying across the floor. About an inch in diameter, and it kept hiding behind some boxes and eventually Mike's computer tower. Because it hid back there (and also because I hate spiders and never ever want to be closer than I have to be), I retrieved Mike's machete (yes, overkill, I know), and killed the spider. I didn't stab it, I used the flat part of the blade to smack it, and it worked. I grab a little plastic shovel and scoop up the now dead wolf spider, intending to flush it down the toilet, and right directly behind me is another freaking spider...probably three inches big or more. The damn thing scared me so much that I dropped the other spider I was carrying. So, again, I grab Mike's machete and proceed to kill the (much) bigger spider. After, I scoop it's body up along with the smaller, and flush them both. And today I double cleaned my room, took away any boxes that spiders might be tempted to hide behind, and put all my shoes into a plastic box. And rolled up all the empty duffles that we have, and put those into a plastic box. Now I'm just working on organizing all of our other stuff, like the papers and random things that were left in the third bedroom.

Other than that, just trying to keep busy with work and such.

When it rains...boy, does it POUR

August is already proving to be a pain in my ass.

Even though I was in Michigan when this heat wave first started, I know that it barreled in with a chip on it's shoulder. Correct me if I'm wrong, but today was the 36th straight day of 100+ temps in Oklahoma. Okies are NOT happy campers right now. I don't like it, either, and I like it even less when I received our utility bill.

The utilities are set up fairly nicely here. Instead of the multiple different companies that Michigan is used to, the city I live in set it up differently. Everything but gas and phone/internet/cable is through the City. Gas is another company, and then whatever electives you want to pay for. I knew that the utilities were going to be higher than usual, since the heat wave has the air running constantly (I have it set at 80, and it still runs a lot). I wasn't prepared for a $146 WATER BILL. Um, what?

Breaking it down: The bill date is for 6/21/11 to 7/20/11. I was in Michigan from 6/8/11 to 7/20/11. The roomie was also in Tulsa and then Michigan from 6/30/11 to 7/20/11. SO HOW IS OUR BILL SO FREAKING HIGH? The only person to come over was a friend, who grabbed our mail and checked on our stuff every few days. She maybe kept stuff in the fridge. But that was it. So I took my unhappy little bottom to the City building to talk to someone that might be able to help. All they were able to tell me at this point is that they would send someone out here to recheck my meter.

So, since I'm now panicking because I can't afford this water bill, I decide to talk to the neighbors that share this duplex. Funny story; they have three children and two adults that live there. Granted, the kids were gone with relatives during that time, but both adults were home during that time period. Their bill was only $40.

Something's fishy. I should be hearing back from the City tomorrow. More than likely, it's going to be something wrong in this house. Which means on Monday, I need to line my proof up and talk to my landlord. I am NOT paying for a water bill that high if something is wrong in this house. Unacceptable.

So that was my day. I'm not looking forward to Monday, since I have a counselor meeting, a doctor's appointment, and apparently landlords to talk to. Bleh.

Wish me luck!!!

Rain

I thought about posting earlier, but felt that I really didn't have much to say. A few hours went by, and I wanted to post again, but still felt like I had done nothing worthy of writing in the past few days. Sure, I went out, and exercised. I baked a pie and homemade pizza today. But that's really it.

I've been in a bad mood the last few days...mainly since I've gotten back from MI. I think I was so busy, and surrounded by a lot of people that were my friends and family, that I just didn't have time to feel anxious or anything. Now that I am back in OK, I have a lot of time on my hands to think about everything. I wish I were working, but that isn't working out like I hoped. Exercise only takes up so much time, and that just lets me think more. I don't really watch TV, because I hate being sucked into it. I think I need to read more...but ran out of books to read. Since I'm not working a whole lot, I don't have the money to go get more books. And I just keep thinking about everything going on right now. Mike is overseas. My mom is doing well, but it's still there. I'm a thousand miles from the town I grew up in, and all of my family and friends. I get frustrated easily. I mean, I have people here...but they are busy with their own lives. Since all I do is stress about the same things all the time, I'm tired of complaining about everything to them. Even if they say it's alright, it's not. I just don't know what to do about it.

That was were I was this morning. I went with Buck to the farmer's market, and just strolled around, then to the grocery store to buy things for an apple pie that I was gonna make for her family reunion. We got back, started the pies (pizza and dessert), and then I went to check with my neighbor to see if I could use their oven. And it was raining out.

Rain and water are important to me. I grew up less than fifteen minutes away from Lake Michigan, and MI has a pretty decent rainfall average. Moving to OK, there is less rain, and even less water. It's a big change. So when I saw that it was raining, I ran outside to stand in it. And just the joy that I got from standing in a rainstorm made me feel so much better. Like it was cleansing, or something. Just a little reminder of home, I suppose.

The rain almost inspires me to write. I haven't written a single word in a long time. Maybe the time to start is now. And maybe it will give me something to hold on to.

So soon...?!?!?!

What? Another post? So soon after the last?

I can't sleep. So I figured I'd update, once again.

I emailed my FRG contact person, asking about support groups. She gave me a few numbers to call, and also mentioned seeing the therapist person attached to the unit. I'm not thrilled by this development. Not that I have anything against therapists, but I feel that I'm letting myself and my husband down by the simple fact that I need to talk to someone, preferably one who understands what I'm talking about. I appreciate people listening, but sometimes it's not enough to have someone listen, and then not know what it is that you're saying. I'm still thinking about it, though. 

Other than that, I've been keeping busy. Back to working out, mainly on my bike. I went last night, despite the weather (100 degrees at 10:30 at night), but I'm not feeling it tonight. My stomach isn't feeling the best, so I think I'll skip tonight. I did do my strength training stuff today, though. So I'm only being half lazy. 

The only asthma attacks lately have been in the morning, when I first wake up. I think it's my allergies kicking back in. But at least they aren't while I'm on the bike. :D I feel better about it, anyways. 

I'm sure there is more to post about. However, I am pulling a blank. 'Til next time. 

Home?

So it seems that whenever I feel that I am getting a handle on things, either something else in my life goes wrong, or I find out I was just flat-out lying to myself. This week was definitely one of those weeks...

I'm back from Michigan. I can't believe that six weeks could go that quickly. I feel...torn. I have obligations here, ones that I can't easily walk away from. But with my husband overseas, I feel that it is pointless for me to be here right now. Here is where I will stay, because this is the place that he will eventually come home to. But it feels so empty without him here.

Melancholy has definitely set in. I find myself thinking too much, about everything that has been going on in the past few weeks. I hate this part of me. I'm better than this, stronger. But I just can't deal as well as I usually do. Hopefully going back to work will help me though this stage.

I had more to write...but I'm too tired to remember.

Adjustments

I've been doing some thinking...and I've come to the conclusion that I need to change this blog a bit. I honestly don't feel that I have enough to write about here, just regarding my asthma and eating habits...not to mention everything else that tends to go on in my life. My asthma and health are a big part, but not the whole. I just can't ignore the rest anymore.

So while I'll still talk (aka complain) about my asthma, exercising, and eating habits, I need to include more. Especially about what has been keeping me away from here.

My mother was recently diagnosed with cancer. She called me about five or six weeks ago to tell me, and I was floored. I don't really remember much from the conversation, except being told that my mid-forties mother has developed breast cancer. I didn't understand then, and I don't really understand it now. Breast cancer happens...just not in my family. At least, nothing that we know of. Then my doctor told me that cases of breast cancer is generally only 20% genetic. Great.

During the surgery, they also took a few lymph nodes, just to see if the breast cancer had metastasized. Luckily, they didn't find any breast cancer. Instead, they found lymphoma--a completely different cancer. I won't lie, even though she was in the middle of treatment for the breast cancer, and the doctors were optimistic about the lymphoma, I wasn't taking it well, and neither was my husband. I just couldn't help but think of the 'what if's'.

Mom is doing fine, now. She doesn't need chemo for the breast cancer, it wouldn't do anything to make sure it didn't come back. She only has a 5% recurrence rate (which is fantastic), and the lymphoma is something she can live with, unless it starts blocking an organ, or causing problems in her everyday life. I am so very, very glad about this.

In the middle of everything, Mike was finally deployed. I can't really say when, or where, but he's overseas. I wasn't taking everything as well as I feel I should. We did have a last four day pass, which we spent in Orange Beach, AL (which is gorgeous!), but it just isn't enough. I suppose it never is.

I feel that I was getting...cocky. I believed that I was fine, completely fine. I told myself that I wasn't going to break down when my husband left, that I was going to be this super-strong Army wife that takes on whatever life hands her....and then I received that phone call. I broke down twice in panic attacks, until I came back to MI to be with my family for a while. I think that this was the only solution, to both help me transition and keep my sanity, and to make sure my mom is going to be alright. I've been better since I've been here, and both seeing that my mom is doing fine, and knowing that her outlook is amazing is really helping me. It just hits me sometimes, especially at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, and my mind wanders and thinks about everything that I can push aside during the day.

I think that's about it for now....I feel somewhat drained from the last few weeks, and am still trying to catch myself up on everything.