I need, I need, I need...

...to start calling people back. I don't hate you, I just feel that there's so little to talk about, that I have a hard time talking on the phone.

...to finish the cleaning projects that I made for myself. Like the unpacked boxes sitting in the spare room, the clutter in our bedroom...

...to start writing and drawing again. I miss my creativity. Now it consists of sitting on the computer. Sometimes I take pictures.

...to do something other than play on the computer, read, and work. Hello, facebook...

The problem is, I am so unmotivated. I don't know what it is. Right now, I have all the time necessary to go and do and see, without a husband here. Not that Mike limits me in any way, he never would. But Mike just being here, and having the opportunity to see him, that usually keeps me home.

I'm a bit torn. I used to write, and do things, creative things. I seem to have lost that spark....right around the time that I got away from things that were hurting me. It was good that I got away, but I also lost where I pulled the emotions to write from.

Anyway. Enough bitching.

I'm back on the running plan. I'm attempting the Couch to 5k. I am currently on week 3, day 3...but I started at week 3, day 1. I'm such a cheater, I know.

Right now, the only good thing I have to look forward to (besides Mike coming home, that's a given!) is that a friend of mine was a photography major, and not only gave me pointers on my camera, but we are planning an escape on Friday to go play. Woooo!

That's all. I think bed is calling me, since I'm old and go to bed early now.

Moody. That's All.

I really should be sleeping right now. 7:30 AM comes very quickly.

I watched a movie with my roommate. It was supposed to be one of those quirky coming-of-age, teens find out just how unfair/sucky life can be flicks. I didn't cry, the roomie did. But for some odd reason, it made me miss my husband. It's one of those nights that I wish I could click my heels three times, or find a magic lamp to rub, or just....anything to make him reappear. I miss him, so much. I knew it would be hard, but I never even dreamed it would be like this. It's not something that you can prepare for, I don't think.

That's really it. None of the 'insights' that I insist on posting here once a week, sometimes more often. Nothing but the fact that I miss my husband.

Sigh. Hopefully just a few more months until I see him.

All Rainbows and Sunshine

Things have been looking up in Reganland.

It looks like I'm about to go to 40 hours at work (yay money/distractions!). It help, oh yes it does.

I got to talk to my husband TWICE IN TWO DAYS. That hasn't happened since before he left. Of course, that just made my freaking week. Maybe the rest of the month. We are currently busy little bees, making plans for after the deployment, which may include a move *gasp*. We are also planning on buying a house, so I've contacted Realtor to find out more information.

We are just growing up so quickly!

I managed to turn my $220 cell phone bill into a $78 one. It took playing a serious hand (Military Spouse of a Deployed Soldier card, Female card, and Loyal Sprint Customer for 6 Years card), and a weeeeee bit underhanded dealings, but I don't have to pay the full amount. Which helps, since my electric bill has still been off the charts. I hate you, 100+ degree weather. Good news is that it only got up into the 60's yesterday. Can we say sweatshirts?

I leave for MI and wedding festivities in less than a week, then the week after that Pete will be in town for more wedding fun. Busy busy busy for the next two weeks. I'm getting a little nervous since I'm the freaking photographer for on of the weddings, and I haven't been able to practice since my camera is broken. Very broken. Luckily I have two wonderful cousins who have volunteered the use of their cameras, and one of them is compatible with the lenses that I have.

I have lost ten pounds since the start of the 'Auna Wants to be Skinny/Doesn't Want to Develop Diabetes' challenge just over a month ago. I'm pretty sure I weigh less than I did in high school, so at least there's that!

My hair is red again. Oh, happiness. it's no longer the faded reddish/copper/brown with dark brown roots that I was rocking for a few months. Stress, little money, and absolutely no inclination to do anything about it contributed to that hairstyle for a while. But it's back to red.

Anyone who reads this should visit herobracelets.org. You can order custom metal or leather bracelets with the names of loved ones, with a saying underneath their name. Anything you want to put. I ordered one, and I looovesss it. Instead of the typical where and when the soldier is deployed like the examples say, I put a Gaelic saying on mine. Really awesome part? $2 of every bracelet goes to a Military-based charity of your choice, which is a decent percentage when some of their stuff is only $14.

My passport is processing! Depending on circumstances, when Mike has his leave, it looks like we'll be meeting up in Germany. I is excited! The last time (and only) time I've been out of the country was when my grandparents took me to Windsor, right across the Detroit River. Which really doesn't count, since Canada is thisclose to Detroit...seriously, less than a mile away. Now you all know why I sound like a Canadian!

Aaaaannnnnddd.....


U of M is currently beating Eastern MI. Go Blue!!!

Title change...again

As this current title says, I've changed the name of this blog. Again. The previous one just wasn't giving the right feel.

'Inevitable' by Anberlin was our wedding song...and continues to be 'our' song. We were inevitable. Things happened in such a way that we were just meant. Fate? I dunno. But I fully believe it. So many factors that should have worked against us, timing, etc...and we still made it here. One day I'll share our story.

'I want to be your last first kiss for all time' is the last line in the song. And oh how perfect it is.

On another note, I got to talk to the hubby today! I am glad that we have the ability to email, but hearing his voice is just oh-so-much-nicer. It helps me judge his mood, and hearing his laughter is the best thing in my life right now. It might have been caused by something stupid that I did, and he may very well be laughing, but what the hell.

Absurd?

Lately I've been feeling like the many parts of my life make some sort of absurd picture when they make the whole of me. First and foremost, I am a wife. A military one at that, but a wife. Because it's military, there are things that I have to do, and go through, that a lot of wives don't have to. (Not saying it's better/worse, just different). This aspect of my life consists of sleeping alone cuddling with a pillow because that's all I have right now, handling problems as if I were a single person, mailing care packages/emailing/sometimes receiving calls to keep in touch with my husband. 'Our' room looks like 'my' room, because I'm the only one that has lived here since we (I) moved here. I refuse to put away the last bit of his laundry that's sitting folded because then there is something of his that's lying out, and I can see it.

The other aspects? I have to live my life as if he's not deployed, as if he's just on a business trip. I mean, I suppose he is...just a very long, arduous one. But I have to go out. Work. Hang out with friends. Clean the house. Do the laundry. Cry when I have to, and suck it up when I can manage it.

I've gone from hearing bad news about soldiers, and feeling every inch of being a Military Wife to having to go to work and sell people office supplies. Reading about a soldier losing his legs through his wife's blog post to talking about what kind of pen someone would prefer, in about a half an hour's span of time.

Absurd? It feels like it. This is my life, my reality. It seems skewed to me, but maybe that's just how I feel. I do know that it feels like living two lives. In one, I'm 25, married to the most amazing man I could ask for, working and dreaming about going back to college to become a licensed mental health counselor. I go to work, out with friends occasionally, hang out with the neighbors. In the other, I feel older than I am. I am in charge of everything that needs to happen here. Everything breaks because my husband left, or the bills get higher and I have to figure out why. I have to live with the knowledge that there might be a knock on my door one day. We all hope and pray that it won't happen to us, and we never, ever acknowledge it, but it's always there, in the little compartment that we lock it in. I hate it when people knock on my door. I have about a ten second span of emotion, my adrenaline kicks up, only to find that it's the neighbor needing something.

I have my good days. I have my share of bad ones. Deployment is so different from anything I've ever experienced, worse and somehow better than I ever thought. I'm not sure how that works, but it's just so much more than I could ever convey in writing.

I can't wait until he calls again. Hearing the laughter in his voice when I tell him something stupid I did is everything right now.

Let's have a Happy Blog!

I'm feeling good at the moment, so we are going to have a happy blog. Why?

Because I now officially weigh less than I did in high school. That is definitely a celebration. And while I didn't exactly gain a whole lot since high school (only 7-15 lbs at any given time), I'm still happy about it. Now to keep it going!

Last I measured, I was an inch smaller in the four areas I measured: my bust line, natural waist, the fattest part of my stomach, and my hips. I can't wait to get to 150 lbs because that's when I measure next. My neighbor told me yesterday that it looked like my clothes were getting ready to fall off. I have to wear a belt to work now, because I refuse to buy new pants until I reach my goal weight.

I am sooooo excited!

Alright, that is all. I need to go make my lunch and dinner before work. :D

Mixed

Lately, I've been swinging back and forth between emotions-on opposite ends of the spectrum. The other day, really for no reason that I can comprehend, I started crying. At work. I ran into the bathroom to calm myself down. I still haven't a clue why I just started crying. I hate that part of me. I feel so weak. What I go through is nothing compared to what other spouses have had to endure, not to mention what our husbands (and wives!) are doing overseas. Other times, I'm fine. Like nothing is happening. I haven't decided if this is normal or not.

So I keep busy. I spend my day off cleaning my room. Next is the kitchen and living room. There are boxes from cleaning out the third room. Hopefully the person that wants to rent it will be in soon. We could really use the extra person in here.

I have the oddest relationship with time right now. Have you ever had one of those dreams, where you are running towards something but you aren't moving? That whatever it is you are trying to catch is calling to you, taunting you, but you still go nowhere? That's how it is with time lately. It moves so quickly, a week is gone in a blink of an eye--but never quick enough. It still feels like forever until Mike gets home.

Anyway. Onto a better subject.

I started jogging again. I know the doctor told me not to, but my knee has been feeling so much better lately that I just had to try. I jogged for 6 minutes straight (gotta build it back up!), and didn't have an asthma attack OR blow out my knee. I didn't stay on the treadmill long, just enough to warm up, jog as long as I could handle it, and cool down. I refuse to push too hard right now, specifically since I don't want to kill my knees. I've apparently dodged the bullet so far.

More good news: I'm down 8.2 pounds in a little over 3 weeks! It's been mostly my eating habits. Apparently eating like I'm diabetic is helping me. I only have 24 more pounds to go. My neighbor says that she can tell a difference already; I'm not so sure. I'm also a little wary of this weight loss, because I went down then went back up-way up. I think it was probably the beer I had the other night, since then I've researched and have found that any alcohol will make you retain water. I've decided that I'm not drinking again until after I'm at my goal weight. Then I can afford to splurge every now and again, and deal with the water retention. Right now, still so new into this lifestyle change, the little things are adding up and sometimes make me want to quit. But aside from being a little bad every now and again, I'm keeping myself eating healthy. I'm just surprised that I've gone this long. It really does take a lot of willpower to buy groceries and not grab a bunch of candy bars at the checkout.

The next few weeks should be entertaining. Two weeks from tomorrow, I fly home for my little brother's wedding, where I will be taking pictures. Not with my camera, which is still broken, but my cousins'. They have very generously offered to let me borrow their cameras. Five days later, I fly home, only to turn around two days after that to pick up my father in law, who will be here in OK to visit and go to a friends' wedding with me. A few days after that, I drive him back to the airport, and half a week after that (still there?), I am planning on going to the Blue October concert. Woooo!

Until then, however, my life will consist of working, cleaning, and the occasional emails and phone calls from my husband. Speaking of which, I need to up the minutes on my plan. I forgot that he was calling from a 'landline', and not his cell phone...so I have over a $200 phone bill to pay. I'm going to try and wait it out til the end of the month, so I don't get pro-rated, but once my minutes creep up there, I'm going to have to break down to avoid paying so much. Oh, well. It's worth it to be able to hear his voice.